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Alice's Adventures 
in Cambridge 



By 
R. C. Evarts 

Illustrated by 

E. L. Barron 



Published by 

The Harvard Lampoon 

Cambridge, Mass. 



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V^'f^ 



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Copyright, 1913 
By The Harvakd Lampoon 



The Univebsity Press, Cambridge, Mass. 



1^ 

©CI.A347730 



INTRODUCTION 

TN all fiction there is no character that de- 
^ lights the hearts of both young and old 
more than Alice. The collaborators in this 
small book cast their product on a cold 
unfeeling world with the utmost apologies 
to Lewis Carroll and John Tenniel; and 
with an ill-nourished hope that those who 
read will do so with a lenient eye. The idea 
was conceived of transplanting Alice to 
Cambridge, and there showing her some 
of the strange things that may be found 
in that peculiar place. She found many 
curious creatures and had many wonderful 
Adventures. 

These few chapters appeared first in the 
"Harvard Lampoon" — that Prince of humor- 
ous papers. They have now collected them- 
selves, and here stand ready to meet the 
fierce glare of publicity. 

Cambridge, Mass., June 17, 1913. 



CONTENTS 

Chapter I 

PAGE 

The Infection Meeting 7 

Chapter II 

HUMPTY DUMPTY OF MaNTER HaLL ... 16 

Chapter III 
The Mad Meeting 24 

Chapter IV 

Alice meets the Black Kjstight and the 

Channing Mouse 33 

Chapter V 

TWEEDLE AND TWADDLE 40 

Chapter VI 
The Queen's Croquet Party 49 

Chapter VII 
Alice and the White Knight 58 

[ V 1 



ALICE'S ADVENTURES IN 
CAMBRIDGE 

CHAPTER I 

The Infection Meeting 

A LICE was just about to enter one of the 
-^^ tempting little shops with purple socks 
and ties in the window, when she saw the 
White Rabbit hurrying across a mud puddle. 
She ran after him, and caught him just as he 
reached a curbstone. 

"Please — " she began. 

But the White Rabbit did not even turn 
his head. 

"No, I have n't any pennies," he said. 

"But I wanted to know — " said Alice. 

"Oh, it's you, is it.^" the White Rabbit 
said, turning round and blowing a huge 
cloud of smoke from his pipe into Alice's 
face. "Well, come on." 

"Where?" asked Alice. 

[ 7 ] 



ALICE'S ADVENTURES 

"To the Infection Meeting, of course/' 
said the White Rabbit, starting off at a 
rapid pace. 

"But I don't want to be infected," Alice 
said, as she ran after him. "I've had the 




mumps once, and the measles, and ever so 
many other things." 

"Ah! But you haven't had probation 
yet," said the White Rabbit, "and you'll 
catch it sure if you don't go to your Infec- 
tion Meetings. I'm a Sophomore and I 
ought to know. Come on." 

[ 8 ] 



IN CAMBRIDGE 

''Who will give it to me?" asked Alice, 

feeling a little alarmed. 

"The Queen, of course. Come on." 
Alice did n't like being ordered about in 

this way, but she followed the White Rabbit, 




who led her to a room filled with animals of 
all kinds sitting on benches. At one end of 
the room was a platform where a large frog 
sat behind a desk. He was a very young- 
looking frog, Alice thought, but he looked 
so severe that she sat down quietly beside 
the White Rabbit. 

The frog, after looking more severe than 

[ 9 ] 



ALICE'S ADVENTURES 

ever, suddenly began to write very fast on a 
blackboard behind him. Alice tried to make 
out what he was writing, but it seemed to be 
chiefly nonsense. It ran something like this : 
"If, other things being equal, the level 




of prices should rise, and thus falling create 
a demand and supply with, and as w^hich, 
would you consider this a division of labor .^ 
If so, when, and in what capacity.^ If not, 
why not, and under what circumstances.^" 

As soon as he had finished, all the other 

[ 10 1 



IN CAMBRIDGE 

animals produced paper from nowhere in 
particular, and began to scribble as fast as 
they could. Alice noticed that the Lizard, 
who was sitting in the front row, was the 
only one who wrote anything original. All 
the others copied from his paper, and crowded 
round him so closely that Alice was afraid 
the poor little creature would be smothered. 
Meanwhile the frog looked at the ceiling. 
"He couldn't look anywhere else, poor 
thing," thought Alice; ''his eyes are in the 
top of his head." 

About two seconds had passed when the 
frog called out ''Time!" and began to gather 
up the papers. When he had collected them 
all, he took them to his desk and began to 
mark them. He marked the first one A, 
the second one B, and so on down to F, when 
he began over again with A. All this time 
he kept his eyes tight shut. "So he will be 
sure to be impartial," the White Rabbit ex- 
plained to Alice. 

After the marking was finished, the frog 
handed the papers back to their owners. The 

[ 11 ] 



ALICE'S ADVENTURES 

White Rabbit, who had written nothing at 
all, had a large A on his paper. The Lizard, 
however, had an F marked on his. 

"A," said the White Rabbit to Alice, 
"means that I wrote an excellent paper." 




"But you wrote nothing," objected Alice. 

"Nothing succeeds like success," said the 
White Rabbit, and hurried away, leaving 
Alice a little puzzled. 

Meanwhile all the animals except the frog 
had disappeared. 

"Would you mind telling me," began 

[ 12 ] 



IN CAMBRIDGE 

Alice, feeling that there ought to be some 
conversation, ''why you — " 

"Certainly not," said the frog, handing 
her a book. ''I think you will find this a 
very able exposition of the subject." 

Alice opened the book, and finding it to 
be poetry, she read the first piece through. 

JABBERWOCKY 

'T was taussig, and the bushnell hart 

Did byron hurlbut in the rand. 
All barrett was the wendell (Bart.) 

And the charles t. cope-land. 

Beware the Munsterberg, my son ! 

'T will read your mind — you bet it can ! 
Beware the Grandgent bird, and shun 

The frisky Merriman. 

He took his bursar sword in hand: 

Long time his neilson foe he sought — 

So rested he by the bernbaum tree, 
And stood awhile in thought. 

And as in coolidge thought he stood, 
The Munsterberg, with eyes of flame, 

Came spalding through the perry wood. 
And babbit as it came! 

[ 13 ] 



ALICE'S ADVENTURES 

One, two! One, two! x4nd through and through 
The bursar blade went snicker-snack! 

He left it dead, and with its head 
He santayanad back. 




'^<c^ 



And hast thou slain the Mlinsterberg? 

Come to my arms, my bierwirth boy! 
Kittredge daj^! Allard! Bocher! 

He schofield in his joy. 
[ 14 ] 



IN CAMBRIDGE 

'T was taussig, and the bushnell hart 

Did byron hurlbut in the rand. 
All barrett was the wendell (Bart.) 

And the charles t. cope-land, 

"It's very interesting," said Alice, after 
she had finished, "but I don't quite under- 
stand it." 

"You will absorb it after awhile," said the 
frog, as he got up and walked away, "if you 
have the faculty." 



[ 15 ] 



CHAPTER II 

HUMPTY DUMPTY OF MaNTER HaLL 

A FTER carefully stepping over all the 
-^~*^ mud-puddles, Alice at last reached the 
sidewalk, and to her astonishment saw 
a large cat bowing and smiling before 
her. 

"Good morning, sir," said the cat, "any- 
thing for Max to-day?" 

''I didn't know cats could talk!" cried 
Alice in surprise. 

"I'm a Keezer Cat. All Keezer cats can 
talk," replied the cat, grinning more than 
ever; "anything for Max to-day.^" 

"Who is Max, and what does he want?" 
Alice asked. 

"This is Max," said the cat, and disap- 
peared with a bow. 

AHce walked on another block, and was 
about to turn down a side street, when she 
was startled by a voice saying, "Anything 

[ 16 ] 



ALICE'S ADVENTURES 

for Max to-day?'' and, turning round, saw 
the Keezer Cat at her elbow. 

"Goodness!" cried Alice, "I wish you 




would n't frighten one so. You almost made 
me jump out of my skin." 

"I wish you would jump out of your 
skin," the Keezer Cat replied, "then I'd 
buy it from you. After you had jumped 

[ 17 ] 



ALICE'S ADVENTURES 

out you would n't need it any more, you 
know." 

"But I don't want to sell my skin/' said 
Alice. "It's too useful." 

"I'll give you fifty cents for it," the cat 
said, "and be robbing myself at that." 

Alice paid no attention to this remark. 
She thought it sounded bloodthirsty, and, 
feeling a little afraid of being skinned alive, 
she hurried on. When she came to the next 
corner, there was the cat again, grinning 
as much as ever. 

"Come, I'll match you whether I pay you 
a dollar or nothing," said the cat, edging up 
very close. 

"How do you happen to be on every 
corner .f^" Alice asked, hoping to change the 
subject. 

"I live on street corners," replied the cat, 
"and I'll give you seventy-five cents for 
your skin, on the spot. It would ruin me 
to go any higher." 

The insistence of the animal frightened 
Alice so much that she began to run. After 

[ 18 ] 



IN CAMBRIDGE 

she had run what seemed at least three 
miles, and jumped over about a thousand 
puddles, and overtaken and passed eighteen 




street-cars, she came to a stop in front of 
one of the strangest looking objects she had 
ever seen. It looked very much like an egg, 

[ 19 ] 



ALICE'S ADVENTURES 

and yet it certainly was a person, for it had 
eyes, nose, and mouth, and even a mous- 
tache. It was seated on a high board fence 
on which was a sign with ''NO PASSING 
THROUGH" on it in large letters. 

"You can't pass," cried the creature as 
Alice approached; "that is, unless I allow 
you to. Nobody can pass without my 
help." 

"Whom have I the honor of addressing.^" 
asked Alice. 

"Humpty Dumpty of Manter Hall," 
said the creature, extending his hand. "How 
do you do .^" 

Alice could not help repeating to herself 
the old nursery rhyme: 

"Humpty Dumpty of Manter Hall, 
If it were n't for you we'd go to the wall. 
All the Dean's office and all the Dean's men 
Would be forced to double their business then." 

"Are you coming to my Seminar .f^" asked 
Humpty Dumpty after a pause. "A Semi- 
nar is a place where you can learn in three 

[ 20 ] 



IN CAMBRIDGE 

hours what it takes a Professor three months 
to teach.'' 

"How very convenient/' AKce said. 
*' Could you explain something now for 
me.?" 

"I already know what you are going to 
ask," said Humpty Dumpty. "From long 
practice in foretelling examination questions 
I have become a regular clairvoyant. You 
were about to ask me why I am a Widow. 
Because men may come, and men may go, 
but I go on forever, of course. That's too 
easy. Ask another." 

"But that is n't my question at all," said 
Alice. "I just wanted you to explain some 
poetry I read this morning. This is how it 
went: 

" 'T was taussig, and the bushnell hart 
Did byron hurlbut in the rand. 
All barrett was the wendell (Bart.) 
And the charles t. cope-land.'^ 

"Nothing is easier," Humpty Dumpty 
replied. "Taussig means gusty, showery 
weather. A bushnell hart is an animal — a 

[ 21 ] 



ALICE'S ADVENTURES 

cross between a Bull Moose and a walrus. 
It has a bushy hair, and Hves on its reputa- 
tion. To byron hurlbut is to pounce on 
people and worry them unreasonably. A 
rand is a classical place, unknown to many, 




and situated somewhere in the Sabbatical. 
Barrett is an adjective used to denote any 
member of the Royal Family of England. A 
Wendell is a comparatively literary rarity 
indigenous to the English court. Bart, is 
English for Baronet. A charles t. is a kind 
of cherub which lives on cheap cigarettes 
[ 22 ] 



IN CAMBRIDGE 

and strange customs. It can be brought to 
bay in its lair any time during the morning. 
Copeland is the past participle of a verb 
meaning to fly about in eccentric circles. Is 
there anything else I can tell you?" 

"No, thank you/' said Alice, "you are 
very kind, I am sure." 

"Now you owe me thirty dollars," Humpty 
Dumpty said. "You had better make out a 
check." 

"Dear me," said Alice to herself, "I never 
saw such mercenary creatures in my life." 

Then a bright idea came into her head. 

"Would you mind making out an itemized 
bill.^" she asked. 

"Certainly not," Humpty Dumpty re- 
plied, and taking out a large fountain-pen, 
began to write. While he busied himself 
thus, Alice slipped away, and was soon lost 
to sight among the red oak saplings. 



23 



CHAPTER III 

The Mad Meeting 

A FTER running a little way through the 
-^^ woods, Alice stopped in surprise before 
a table which was set out under a tree. The 
table was laid for at least thirty people, but 
only three were sitting at it. Alice imme- 
diately recognized the Hatter and the 
March Hare, and the third she was quite 
sure must be the Dormouse, as it was fast 
asleep. The Hatter wore a very high hat 
covered with eight or ten hatbands of 
various colors. As soon as he saw Alice he 
cried out, ''Radcliffe not admitted!'' 

"But my name is n't Radcliffe," said 
Alice, as she took a seat. 

"Nobody said it was," the Hatter replied. 

"But you looked at me," said Alice. 

"That was unavoidable," said the March 
Hare. "Nobody looks at Radcliffe students 
for pleasure." 

[ 24 ] 



ALICE'S ADVENTURES 

*'I don't think much of Nobody's taste 

then/' said the Dormouse, waking up. t 

"Come, come," cried the Hatter, bring- 




ing a huge mallet down on the table with a 
crash. ''The meeting is called to order." 

''This is a meeting of the Student Council," 
the March Hare explained to Alice, "and we 
are the Student Council. At least," he said, 

[ 25 ] 



ALICE'S ADVENTURES 

pointing to the Dormouse, "he is the Stu- 
dent, and we are the Council." 

' ' Phibetakappa, Phibetakappa, Phibeta- 
kappa," murmured the Dormouse sleepily, 







and was immediately silenced by the Hatter 
hitting him over the head with the mallet. 

''That's his way of apologizing for being 
here," said the March Hare. "You see he's 
neither athletic nor prominent." 

"I suppose you are both," said Alice 
politely. 

[ 26 ] 



IN CAMBRIDGE 

"No, I'm only athletic," replied the 
March Hare. "He's really prominent 
though," he went on, pointing to the Hatter. 
"See all his hatbands." 

"Yes," said the Hatter proudly. "You 
see, this style of hat allows me to wear them 
all at once." 

"But I don't see the object," said Alice. 

"The object is plain enough," the March 
Hare said; "it is right underneath the hat." 

"Order!" shouted the Hatter. "There 
is a motion before the house. All those in 
favor say aye. The ayes have it. The mo- 
tion is carried." 

"What was the motion.^^" asked Alice. 

"I haven't the slightest idea," said the 
Hatter. 

"Then I don't see how you can carry it, 
if you don't know what it is," said Alice 
rather impatiently. 

"I didn't carry it. I passed it," the 
Hatter replied. 

"But that's the same thing," said Alice. 

"Not the same thing at all," said the 

[ 27 ] 



ALICE'S ADVENTURES 

March Hare. "You might as well say that 
a forward pass is the same thing as a touch- 
down." 

"You might as well say," the Dormouse 
drowsily murmured, "that to pass with an 
A is the same thing as to fail with an E." 

"You might as well say that the Crime is the 
same thing as the penalty/' said the Hatter. 

"It is the same thing, if you read it," said 
the March Hare. 

Alice was silent. She felt somehow that 
they were all talking nonsense. 

"Now," said the Hatter, after a pause, 
"we will turn to the very important ques- 
tion whether straw hats should be worn by 
the Student Body before the first of April." 

"Is that as important as to decide who 
should be manager of the Chess Team.^" 
asked the March Hare. 

"Well," said the Hatter judicially, "it 
certainly ought to come before the question 
of Freshman nominations." 

Phibetakappa, Phibetakappa, Phibeta- 
kappa," the Dormouse began, and would 

[ 28 ] 



IN CAMBRIDGE 

have gone on indefinitely had not the March 
Hare shoved under its nose a large volume 
on Political Economy which so absorbed the 




little animal that he subsided, and was soon 
asleep again. 

*'I don't see why you call this the Student 

[ 29 1 



ALICE'S ADVENTURES 

Council," said Alice. ''The Student part 
of it does n't have any say at all." 

''He can say only one thing, and^it gets 




tiresome after a while," the Hatter answered. 
''Would you like to hear a song.^" 

"I should love to," said Alice, only too 
glad to keep out of an argument. 

[ 30 ] 



IN CAMBRIDGE 

Thereupon the Hatter stood up, and began 
to sing, in a tune which was a mixture oi 
"Fair Harvard " and "Yankee Doodle/' — 

"We are the Student Council. 
We were fathered by a Crime, 
Our word is law, 
Our law is words, 
Believe me, every time. 
We draw up constitutions. 
We submit resolutions, 
We cogitate, 
We mediate. 
We elevate. 
We meditate. 

And are known for doing nothing 
In every land and clime." 

"That's very pretty," said AHce. "I 
don't think I ever heard anything like it 
before." 

"I hear you are on probation," said the 
March Hare looking severely at Alice. 
"Hereafter you can take part in no College 
Activities — By-law 68, Article 507, Sec- 
tion 1654 of the Revised Constitution." 

This was so rude that it was beyond en- 

[ 31 ] 



ALICE'S ADVENTURES 

durance. Alice got up and left without an- 
other word. As she walked away, she heard 
the Hatter and March Hare discussing vio- 
lently whether the Student Body could 
wear a straw hat at all unless it had a head. 



[ 32 ] 



CHAPTER IV 

Alice meets the Black Knight and 
THE Channing Mouse 

A LICE gave a little scream of delight 
-^^^ when she came in sight of Harvard 
Square. 

"Now I know where I am," she said to 
herself. ''I can tell by that — that — well, 
that big round thing in the middle. I de- 
clare! I do believe I have forgotten its 
name," she went on. ''I wonder if I can 
remember my own. Let's see — is it Mabel .^ 
No. It must be Bertha. No, that's not 
right either. I know it began with an L. 
Oh dear, I really have forgotten it. What 
shall I^loV 

Here Alice began to cry. You must re- 
member she was a ver*y little girl, and had 
never forgotten her name before. 

''Come, come," said a voice, "don't cry. 
We have had enough rain lately." 

[ 33 1 



ALICE'S AD^TXTURES 

"But I have forgotten my name," sobbed 
Alice. 

"Oh, is that all?" said the voice. "Well, 
vom' name is Alice." 




Alice looked up and saw the Black Knight 
standing in front of her. There was no mis- 
taking him, because he wore a full suit of 
black tin armor. 

[ 34 ] 



IN CAMBRIDGE 

"Thank you/' said Alice. "I'm sure I 
don't know how I came to forget it." 

"Is there anything else you would like 
to know?" said the Black Knight politely. 
"I can tell you your age, class, and marks 
for the last three years; also your brother's, 
father's, grandfather's and great-grand- 
father's names, classes, marks, and general 
appearance." 

"What a wonderful person you must be!" 
said Alice, drying her eyes. 

'^Not at all," replied the Black Knight. 
"It is all in a day's work. You see, I have 
two assistants — the Queen and the Re- 
corder." 

"What does the Recorder do? " asked Alice. 

"He counts the number of cuts it takes 
to sever connection with the University," 
the Black Knight answered. 

"It must be very trying sort of work," 
said Alice. 

"Yes, he's trying all the time," said the 
Black Knight, "but he never succeeds with- 
out the Queen's help." 

[ 35 1 



ALICE'S ADVENTURES 

"I suppose you know how to manage 
them," said AHce. 

''Oh yes," the Black Knight said. "You 
see, they have to go to me for their facts. 
The fiction they do themselves. By the 
w^ay, would you like to see an Iconoclast.'^" 

"What is it?" asked Alice, not quite 
sure whether it was an animal or a Greek 
temple. 

"Come on," said the Black Knight. "I'll 
show you." 

Alice was doubtful at first whether she 
wanted to go or not, but she followed the 
Black Knight till they came to a place where 
there were a lot of gravestones scattered 
about. At least, Alice thought they were 
gravestones until she read on one of them: 

On this Spot (or near here) 

General Johnson looked for 

Four-Leaved Clovers 

During the Battle of Bunker Hill 

June 17, 1775 

[ 36 ] 






IN CAMBRIDGE 

They passed many stones with similar 
inscriptions on them, when they came to 
one on which a mouse was working with a 
ammer and chisel. 

The tablet read: 



% 



Under this Tree General Washington 
Did take Command of the 
American Army 
July 3, 1775 



There was no tree in sight anywhere 
round, but there was a stump which Alice 
upposed might have been a tree once. The 
NIouse was busy carving not between the 
DID and the take. He had done the n and 
;;vas just finishing the o. 

'That's the Channing Mouse," said the 
[31ack Knight. ''He never believes any- 
hing he is told." 

Just then the Mouse hit his thumb with 
the hammer, and turned round with a very 
annoyed expression on his face. When he 

[ 37 ] 



ALICE'S ADVENTURES 

caught sight of Ahce and the Black Knight, 
he cried: 

''What do you want here?" 

"I just wanted to see," began AHce 
timidly, ''what you are doing." 

"Oh," said the Mouse in a relieved tone. 
"Well, I am just correcting this inscription. 
It is quite inaccurate. General Washington 
was never here. In fact, I find that he was 
never within twenty miles of here. I have 
also discovered that he never took command 
of the American Army for the simple reason 
that the American Army is a myth. I am 
now beginning to doubt that there was ever 
such a person as George Washington." 

"There's a George Washington Cram," 
said the Black Knight. 

"That is also a myth," said the Chan- 
ning Mouse, "and I can prove it." 

"Oh!" cried Alice, who had been reading 
another tablet, "did Paul Revere ride by 
here?'' 

"Paul Revere is another myth," said the 
Mouse. 

[ 38 ] 



IN CAMBRIDGE 

"He is not,'' said the Black Knight. "He 
was in the class of 1770, and had a C in Eng- 
lish ^, a B in History 2, and — " 

"Your memory is simply a legend," said 
the Mouse, and set to work again with his 
chisel. 

"Come on," the Black Knight said to 
Alice. " Are you going to the Queen's croquet 
party.?" 

"The Queen," said the Mouse, turning 
round again, "is a complete fabrication. 
There never was such a person." 

As Alice and the Black Knight walked 
away, Alice asked: 

"Does n't he believe in anything.^^" 

"Nothing but himself," replied the Black 
Knight. 



[ 39 



CHAPTER V 

TWEEDLE AND TwADDLE 

npHEY were standing under a tree, each 
^ with his hand over the other's mouth. 
At first AHce had some difficulty in teUing 
them apart, they were dressed so exactly 
alike, but she soon noticed that one of them 
had a very sad expression. 

''That must be Twaddle," she thought. 
''I have heard somewhere that he has a 
gloomy disposition. I wonder if they can 
tell me the way out of the wood." 

''Please — " she began aloud. 

"Don't say that," cried both the little 
men together, uncovering each other's mouth; 
"it is n't literary." 

"I'm not trying to be literary," Alice 
said. 

"But you should try," said Twaddle, 
"especially when you are in our company. 
You see, we are very literary." 

[ 40 1 



ALICE'S ADVENTURES 

"Yes," said Tweedle pointing to Twaddle; 
"he is so literary that he's absolutely un- 
intelligible." 




Twaddle gave a deep sigh, and two large 
tears rolled down his cheeks. 

[ 41 1 



ALICE'S ADVENTURES 

"What is the matter?" said Alice. "You 
must have hurt his feehngs." 

"Oh no," said Tweedle. "He is just tak- 
ing himself seriously, that's all. He is pretty 
good at it, but I can do almost as well. 
Watch me." 

Thereupon Tweedle also heaved a deep 
sigh and two large tears trickled down his 
cheeks. This made Alice feel very uncom- 
fortable. She thought she ought to say 
something to cheer them up, but was not 
quite certain how to begin. 

"Can you tell me," she asked at last, 
"the way out of the wood.^" 

Twaddle dried his eyes with a large yellow 
pocket-handkerchief. 

"I don't know how to go out," he said, 
"but I can tell you how to come out. I come 
out every month. That's why I am some- 
times called the Monthly.'' 

"And I come out every other week," said 
Tweedle. 

"Are you coming out this week.^" asked 
Alice. 

[ 42 ] 



IN CAMBRIDGE 

"No. I come out last week and next 
week, but never this week/' said Tweedle. 




"But you must come out this week some- 
times," AHce said. 

"No, I don't," replied Tweedle. "I come 

[ 43 ] 



ALICE'S ADVENTURES 

out every other week. This week is n't any 
other week." 

"How dreadfully confusing," said Alice. 

"I knew he would confuse you," said 
Tw^addle. *'He's almost as unintelligible as 
I am. That's one reason w^hy he is some- 
times called an Advocate'' 

''Are advocates confusing.^" asked Alice. 

''You wouldn't ask that," said Twaddle, 
shaking his head sadly, "if you had ever 
been to law." 

"Have you ever been to law.^" Alice 
asked. 

"Not exactly," said Twaddle, "but if we 
combine as they want us to, there is sure to 
be trouble." 

"A combination in restraint of trade, you 
see," Tweedle explained. 

"But it would be a great advantage to 
you," said Alice, "to join hands instead of 
covering each other's mouth." 

"Exactly," said Twaddle, "the law and 
the profits." 

Alice could not see that this last re- 

[ 44 ] 



¥ 



IN CAMBRIDGE 

mark made any sense at all, but she said 
nothing. 

"Would you like to hear some poetry?" 
Tweedle said after a pause. 

"Not if it's very long," said Alice. 

Tweedle paid no attention to her, but 
cleared his throat and began in a very 
solemn voice: 

"The Taussig and the Bushnell Hart 

Were lecturing in Greek. 
They wept hke anything to see 

The benches bare and bleak. 
*If these were only occupied,' 

They said, 'why, we would speak.' 

'If seven grinds with seven heads 

Sat here for half a year. 
Do you suppose,' the Taussig said, 

'That we could make it clear .f^' 
'I doubt it,' said the Bushnell Hart, 

And shed a bitter tear. 

'O Students, come and listen now,' 

The Taussig did beseech, 
'Political Economy 

Is what I strive to teach. 
The Bushnell Hart will also make 

An unimpassioned speech.' 

[ 45 1 



ALICE'S ADVENTURES 

The Senior Student looked at him, 
But never a word he said; 

The Senior Student winked his eye, 
And shook his wise old head — 

Meaning to say that when he slept 
He liked to have a bed. 




But younger Students hurried up, 

And even took the pains 
To bring their note-books and their pens 

For intellectual gains. 
And this was odd, because, you know, 

They had n't any brains. 
46 ] 



IN CAMBRIDGE 

*The time has come,' the Taussig said, 

*To lecture by and large 
Upon the unearned increment 

Of Cleopatra's Barge, 
And what the scale of prices is 

When buying stocks on marge.' 

'And I,' the Bushnell Hart began, 

'Will speak of many things: 
First, whether slaves were really slaves. 

Or whether they wore rings; 
Or whether John Brown's Body 

Has started sprouting wings.' 

*A diagram,' the Taussig said, 

'Perhaps will tell you more 
Of what I mean in heading G, 

Sub-heading number four.' 
The Students all were silent 

Excepting for a snore. 

The Taussig and the Bushnell Hart 

Talked on an hour or so. 
Elucidating simple facts 

That Students ought to know. 
(The two back rows were fast asleep; 

The rest were feeling low.) 

'O Students,' said the Bushnell Hart, 
'What have you learned to-day? 

[ 47 f 



ALICE'S ADVENTURES 

Did you enjoy my anecdotes?' 

The Students did not say; 
And this was scarcely odd, because 

They all had passed away." 

"How very interesting!" said Alice after 
it was finished. 

"Contrariwise," Twaddle remarked. "It 
is n't poetry. I could understand every 
single word of it." 



48 



CHAPTER VI 

The Queen's Croquet Party 

A LICE walked on until she came to a very 
-^^^ curious-looking gateway made of red 
bricks. Through it she could just catch a 
glimpse of some buildings which looked like 
the pictures she had seen of prisons, and a 
few tall poles which she thought might be 
gallows. While she was standing in front of 
the gateway trying to make out what was 
written over it, the White Rabbit came hur- 
rying up. 

''Come/' said the White Rabbit, ''get out 
of my way, or I shall be late for the Queen's 
croquet party." 

"Oh!" cried Alice, "may I go with 
you?" 

The White Rabbit looked at her in sur- 
prise. 

"Of course you may come if you want to," 
he said. 

[ 49 ] 



ALICE'S ADVENTURES 

"Don't I have to have an invitation card?" 
asked Alice. 

''You have to go if you have one," the 
White Rabbit replied. ''But otherwise you 
can do as you please. Come on." 

Alice was very fond of croquet, and as the 
White Rabbit seemed to expect her to go 
with him, she followed him through the gate. 
When they were in the grounds Alice saw 
that what she had thought were gallows were 
really trees with their tops sawed oflP. 

"What have they done to the poor trees?" 
she cried in amazement. 

"Those are the famous Harvard elms," 
replied the White Rabbit. "The Queen lost 
her temper with them the other day, and or- 
dered their heads cut oflf, which accounts for 
their strange appearance." 

"What a terrible person the Queen must 
be," said Alice. "Oh! and what are those?" 
she cried, pointing to the prison-like build- 
ings. 

"They are the Senior Dormitories," the 
White Rabbit replied. 

[ 50 ] 



IN CAMBRIDGE 

^'I suppose they are called that because 
they are older than any others," said Alice. 
Then a new idea struck her. ''I met a dor- 
mouse to-day," she said. ''Do dormice live 
in dormitories.^" 

''Rats and mice of all kinds live in these 
dormitories, they are so old," said the White 
Rabbit, shaking his head sadly. "But they 
serve to unite the Class." 

"Is the Class so very far apart.^" asked 
AHce. 

"Only one yard now," replied the White 
Rabbit, "but it used to be miles and 
miles. Wait till you see Conant and 
Perkins." 

Alice was so puzzled by this remark that 
she was just about to ask the White Rabbit 
to explain, when she saw a large procession 
approaching. It was headed by the King 
and Queen, and after them came the Black 
Knight and a whole troop of other people 
whom Alice thought must be courtiers. 
When the procession came near, the Queen 
stepped out and looked fiercely at Alice. 

[ 51 ] 



ALICE'S ADVENTURES 

''Do you play croquet?" she asked in a 
harsh voice. 

"A little," said Alice; ''that is, — " 

"You Ve been cutting/' roared the Queen, 
stamping her foot. "Off with her head!" 

"Not yet! Not yet! your Majesty," said 
the Black Knight. "You forget we have n't 
begun the game yet." 

"Take your places!" shouted the Queen. 

Instantly everyone began to rush about in 
wild confusion. Alice soon found herself 
with a large fountain-pen for a mallet in her 
hand, standing in front of a hoop which was 
evidently meant to be a wicket, though it 
did n't seem to have any connection with the 
rest of the hoops which were scattered all 
over the grass with no attempt at order. As 
for the ball, it was nowhere to be seen, and 
Alice was wondering what she ought to do, 
when the King came up to her with a note- 
book in his hand. 

"Have you gone through this wicket .f^" 
he asked. 

"No," Alice replied; "I can't find any 

[ 52] 



IX CAMBRIDGE 

ball. Won't you please tell me what to 
do?" 

''You have been cutting a little too much 
lately," remarked the King apologetically. 
''You ought to stop. That's all. Good 
morning." 

"He must he the Recorder," Alice said to 
herself as he trotted away. "I suppose the 
Queen will be here soon and have my head 
cut off if I don't begin to play." 

The game was now at its height, and the 
Queen was rushing about ordering executions 
right and left. 

"Oh dear! Oh dear!" Alice heard the 
White Rabbit muttering as he hurried by her 
on his way to the next wicket. "I almost 
wish she vxjvld take my head off. After that 
party last night — oh dear! oh dear!" 

Just then Alice looked up and saw the 
Queen standing in front of her. 

"What are you doing .^" said the Queen in 
a terrible voice. 

"Nothing, your Majesty," Alice began 
timidly. 

[ 53 1 



ALICE'S ADVENTURES 

"Off with his head!" roared the Queen, 
pointing to her. 

''But it's not a he,'' cried the Black 
Knight, hurrying up. ''It 's a she'' 

"It can't be a she'' repKed the Queen. 
"Thi^ is n't Radchffe. Off with his head!" 




"What is the matter, my dear.^" said 
the King, as he ran up very much out of 
breath. 

"Matter enough!" cried the Queen, point- 
ing to AKce. ''They say I can't take 
off his head because it 's not a he but a 
she." 

[ 54] 






IN CAMBRIDGE 

''Well," said the King very seriously, ''if 
it 's a she, of course you can't take off his 
head. However, let 's see what I can do 
about it." 

Hereupon he took from his pocket a large 
ball of red tape and began to wind it around 
Alice. He was so clumsy about it, however, 
that he managed to get first himself all 
tangled up in it, and then the Queen, with- 
out getting Alice in it at all. The Queen did 
her best to get out, but only succeeded in 
getting more wound up in it than ever, and 
finally stood there roaring, "Off with his 
head!" at the top of her lungs. It was such 
a funny sight that Alice could hardly keep 
from bursting out laughing. At last the 
King and Queen stopped struggling and both 
looked at Alice severely. 

"Don't stand there like an idiot," said the 
King, very much out of breath. "Do some- 
thing sensible." 

"Recite 'You are old. Father William/ if 
you can," remarked the Queen. 

Alice drew a long breath and began: 

[ 55 ] 



ALICE'S ADVENTURES 

'You are old. Widow Nolen,' the young man said, 

*Yet your mind is as keen as a knife; 

With facts and with figures you Ve filled up my 

head. 
Should 3^ou do it at your time of life?' 




*In my youth,' said the sage, as he stopped for a 

drink, 
*I was dull as an elderly cow; 
And repeated each course so often, I think 
That I ought to remember them now.' 



*You are old,' said the youth, 'and you doubtless 

are rich. 
I suppose you can do as you please; 

[ 56 ] 



IN CAMBRIDGE 

But is it because of a miserly itch 
That you charge such exorbitant fees?' 

*I have answered one question,' said Nolen. 'Now 

come, 
You owe me three dollars or more; 
I don't answer questions for less than that sum. 
Be off, or I '11 raise it to four.' " 

"Oh dear/' said Alice after she had fin- 
ished, "it doesn't seem quite right some- 
how." 

"It is wrong from beginning to end/' re- 
marked the King. 

"Even if I can't have your head off/' said 
the Queen, "I shall put you on probation 
for reciting such nonsense." 

"Don't be ridiculous/' said Alice. She 
was feeling quite bold, as the Queen was 
helpless in the net of red tape. As she 
walked away she heard the Black Knight 
say: 

"Well, that 's the first I ever saw the red 
tape save anyone/' 



[ 57 ] 



CHAPTER VII 

Alice and the White Knight 

A LICE wandered on through the Yard, 
-^^ gazing with dehght at the groups of old 
ladies walking in the paths and admiring the 
buildings. 

"The dear little things!" she cried, ''I 
wonder if I could come near enough to them 
to catch one." 

"You must n't touch them/' said a voice. 
"They are probably all related to me. I 
have so many relations around Boston." 

Alice turned and saw a very pleasant- 
looking person in white tin armor seated on 
a wooden hobby horse. He was smiling in 
such a friendly fashion that Alice instantly 
felt a great liking for him. 

"It's the White Knight, of course," she 
said to herself. "What a strange horse!" 
she continued aloud. "Can it move?" 

[ 58 ] 



ALICE'S ADVENTURES 

The White Knight looked a little offended 
at her remark. 




"It's a very nice horse/' he said. "It's 
one of my hobbies. I have three or four 
others, but I almost always ride this one." 

"What is its name.^" asked Alice. 

[ 59 ] 



ALICE'S ADVENTURES 

"Reform of the Elective System," said the 
White Knight. ''It 's my own invention." 

"What do you call it for short?" Alice 
asked. 

"I haven't called it that for long yet," 
replied the White "Knight. "You don't 
consider three years long, do you.^^ By 
the way, what do you think of my 
Freshman Dormitory.^" he said, pointing to 
a square box which was hanging, with a great 
many other things, such as garden tools and 
bunches of asparagus, to his saddle. "You 
see I made it without any opening to keep 
the Freshmen together, and also so they 
can't get out at night." 

"But if it has no opening, how are you 
going to get them in.^" said Alice. 

The Knight's face fell. 

"I never thought of that," he said sadly. 
"But after all this is only an architect's 
model. It has n't actually been built 
yet." 

"Oh, then you can easily change it," said 
Alice. 

[ 60 ] 



IN CAMBRIDGE 

''It hasn't been built yet," the White 
Knight went on without paying any atten- 
tion to her, ''and I don't beheve it ever was 
built or ever will be built, but it 's my own 
invention." 

He seemed so very sorrowful about it that 
Alice thought she had better not say any- 
thing more, and they went on for some time 
in silence. 

"I don't suppose you have any red tape 
with you," the White Knight remarked at 
last. 

"No," said Alice, "but the Queen and the 
Recorder have some. I saw them with it." 

"Ah, they find it very useful," the White 
Knight said. "Do you know what I want 
it for.?" 

"I haven't the least idea why anybody 
should want it," Alice replied. 

"Well, you see my little collection," said 
the White Knight, pointing to his saddle. 
"I want to divide them up better. I have 
done something in that way already, but I 
used up all my red tape. I call it the Group 
System. It 's my own invention." 

[ 61 ] 



ALICE'S ADVENTURES 

*'0h, you want to tie them up in little 
bundles!" cried Alice. 

''Exactly/' replied the White Knight. 
''Now, you see, here are a rake and a hammer 
tied together. I call them History and 
Literature. That makes a Group. It 's all 
my own invention." 

"But supposing somebody wanted His- 
tory and Botany instead," Alice remarked. 

"He couldn't have it," said the White 
Knight. ''They don't go together well." 

"It's all very puzzling, I'm sure," said 
Alice. 

"That 's the best part of it," the White 
Knight replied. "But now I 'm afraid I 
must leave you. You see, I have to go to 
five committee meetings, make three speeches 
and lay a few corner-stones before dark." 

"How do you get time to invent so many 
things.^" asked Alice. 

"An ounce of invention is worth a pound 
of cure, you know," replied the White 
Knight. "But let me recite you some poetry 
about it." 

[ 62 ] 



IN CAMBRIDGE 

"I don't like all poetry/' Alice said. 
"But you will like this,'' said the White 
Knight. "It 's my own invention." 
He then began in a sing-song voice : 

**I '11 tell thee everything I can 

In sober mood and tense. 
I saw a little Eli man 

A-sitting on a fence. 
*Who are you, little man?' I said, 

*And how do you come here?' 
And his answer trickled through my head. 

Escaping by one ear. 

He said, *I tap for Skull and Bones 

Beneath the Campus trees, 
And beat my head against the stones 

When they all go to Keys; 
But Owen Johnson's spoiled our fun. 

Our tombs are dark and cold; 
And Sophomores from us do run. 

And won't do what they 're told.' 

But I was thinking of a scheme 

To make all Students work 
By putting over them, as Dean, 

An energetic Turk. 
So, having missed what he had said. 

With a forbidding frown, 

[ 63 1 



ALICE'S ADVENTURES 

I hit him gently on the head, 
And shook him up and down. 

He said, *I sit upon this fence, 

A Y upon my chest. 
A f rat -pin costing fifty cents 

Adorns my fancy vest. 
I 've played upon the Football team, 

I Ve rowed upon the Crew, 
Phi Beta Kappa is my dream, 

(Albeit somewhat new.) 

* Religion, Football and the News — 

I heeled them — not for fun. 
Nor yet because I held the views 

That such things should be done. 
In College Life I did not fail,' 

He cried in stalwart tones, 
'Because I worked for dear old Yale, 

And good old Skull and Bones.' 

I heard him then, for I had done 

Forming a plan for morn 
Of building a Dormitory on 

An island near Cape Horn. 
I thanked him for his kindly speech. 

It cheered me up a lot. 
For, although we may fail to teach, 

A Bones we have not got. 

And now, if e'er by chance I see 
Fair Harvard in the soup, 
I 64 ] 



IN CAMBRIDGE 

Or men of promise fail with E 

Because they took a Group, 
Or when I see all Students fail. 

Or, what is worse, get locked in jail. 
Or the Dean arrested without bail. 

Or Sever sold at a bankrupt sale. 
Or when the Gold Coast makes me quail. 

Or the Social System turns me pale, 
I laugh, and say in thankful tones, 

'Though troubles weigh on me like stones, 
At least, here is no Skull and Bones.' " 

"How very pretty!" said Alice, after he 
had finished. "I enjoyed it very much." 

"Good-bye," said the White Knight. 
"You go through that arched gateway and 
the whole world is before you. I have said 
the same thing before in Bacteriological 
Sermons." 

"You mean Baccalaureate, don't you?" 
asked Alice. 

"It makes no difference what I mean," 
the White Knight said. "But the germs of 
truth must be there." 

"Good-bye," said Alice. "Do you know 
you are quite the nicest person I have met in 
Cambridge." 

[ 65 ] 



ALICE'S ADVENTURES 



"It's worth while being a White Knight 
just to hear you say that," the White Knight 







II If ^»*'r 



^f>^ 



answered as he turned his horse about and 
slowly rode away. Alice watched his strange 
figure from the gateway as he went riding 

[ 66 ] 



IN CAMBRIDGE 

over the grass in the twihght. Long years 
afterwards, of all the people she saw in her 
visit to Cambridge, she remembered this one 
as having impressed her most. Just before 




he disappeared from view he turned round 
and waved his hand. 

''Good-bye," cried Alice. "I hope some- 
time soon I can come again." 

[ 67 ] 



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